I can't sleep. I've come to realize that this happens when I'm under extreme stress. I rarely sleep anymore.
I first began to suspect when I'd stay up all night before doctor's appointment, but now? Now I am 100% sure. With a paper due that needs to be in between 8-10 pages that I haven't even started I feel time pushing down on me... and sleep elude me. I toss and turn, sometimes for hours, and burst into tears at the least provocation. There is much more personal matters in my life, not just school, that contribute, but I'd rather not speak of them. However, this may be the best place to speak of them. For the people who read my blog are mere acquaintances and do not know the parties involved. So what care they if my marriage is in utter ruins and I have no friends to really speak of?
I have tried my hardest to live my life as God would want me to. I have fallen more than once and, make no mistake, I will most likely blunder again, but still I try to live a pure life. I'm honest to a fault, I treat everyone equally, would help a complete stranger in need, and still I have no one who really stands by me and loves me. Sure my kids do, but they are young and I'm no longer disillusioned into believing they will love me forever. No one does. I don't know what is so wrong with me and no one can tell me. Some say I act stuck-up, but I don't see it myself. I try to see myself from others views, but I still don't see it. Yes, I don't have much sympathy for those who've made their own beds, and my honesty can be rather harsh at times, but I will love you and be there for you through thick and thin, no matter who you are. If that isn't the epitome of friendship I don't know what is!
I'm just feeling really lonely, depressed, and disparaging this holiday season. :( Sorry for bringing anyone down with me.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Day of OH CRAP!
It's really becoming crunch time as both my classes are winding down and I have two research papers due. I almost forgot to do this blog!
Research papers have never been my strong suit and I'm beginning to worry that I may not get a passing grade on either. :-( I had trouble with just the rough draft on one paper. I kept hitting the wall of What in the world have I missed? and This isn't long enough; what can I elaborate on? I can't wait for my professor's feedback on my paper. I hope that I didn't do as poorly as I feel I did. I'm really stressing over these papers and no amount of deep breaths is calming me down!!!!!
Research papers have never been my strong suit and I'm beginning to worry that I may not get a passing grade on either. :-( I had trouble with just the rough draft on one paper. I kept hitting the wall of What in the world have I missed? and This isn't long enough; what can I elaborate on? I can't wait for my professor's feedback on my paper. I hope that I didn't do as poorly as I feel I did. I'm really stressing over these papers and no amount of deep breaths is calming me down!!!!!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Day of Many Surprises
So last Wednesday I had an appointment with my pulmonologist and boy did I get a work out! First off, there is no close parking in Germany. You take a bus or are prepared to walk. I get motion sickness so I opt to walk. After walking the half mile to the hospital I then have to go up 2 floors to my doctor's office. I arrive there for them to tell me to go all the way back down to the 1st floor so I can have a lab done. I do that then return to the doctor. My EKG was abnormal so I now need to go up to the 5th floor to have an echo done and they also want me to do the lung resiliency test. I get up there and have the lung test done but the cardio doctor is out for the day. I then travel back down to the 3rd floor to finally see my doctor.
After waiting around 30 minutes, an emergency case came in that took my spot and I was rescheduled to see the doctor. So a traverse down the stairs once more, then walk a half mile to my parked car. I still have more errands to do so I head to Spangdahlem to finish them. On my way there I witnessed a high speed chase on one of Germany's very curvy, and very narrow, roads. It was none other than base security chasing the fiends! (Meaning that the chase was most likely after suspected terrorists).
I get to the Spang Post Office and carry my 40 pound package that I need to mail to my family. Talk about a workout! And my errands did not stop there! I then had to go grocery shopping as we were out of food and the chitlens were hungry.
I finally made it home around 7:30 PM to realize I'd missed my class, AGAIN! Ugg! I much rather of attended class then doing the Option 2, but things happen and we lose track of time. :-( O, well!
After waiting around 30 minutes, an emergency case came in that took my spot and I was rescheduled to see the doctor. So a traverse down the stairs once more, then walk a half mile to my parked car. I still have more errands to do so I head to Spangdahlem to finish them. On my way there I witnessed a high speed chase on one of Germany's very curvy, and very narrow, roads. It was none other than base security chasing the fiends! (Meaning that the chase was most likely after suspected terrorists).
I get to the Spang Post Office and carry my 40 pound package that I need to mail to my family. Talk about a workout! And my errands did not stop there! I then had to go grocery shopping as we were out of food and the chitlens were hungry.
I finally made it home around 7:30 PM to realize I'd missed my class, AGAIN! Ugg! I much rather of attended class then doing the Option 2, but things happen and we lose track of time. :-( O, well!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Day of the Longest Week EVER!
This week has been absolutely insane! First, I missed my first class of the week by accident, then when I went to long into the class, my Internet was out! We have only 1 car, my husband works odd ball hours and I don't even know how to use the phone! What does this all add up to? Our Internet being out for 3 almost 4 days, and getting way behind in my classes.
To make matters go from bad to worse, I can't find my school book needed for an assignment. AHHH!!!! Now I'm pressing on the end of the week and I still have 2 things due in my class. What am I to do? This has just been a really bad week.
Did I mention my dryer has been broken too? Oh I didn't? Well it has! I've had no dryer and it's freezing outside and my house doesn't have good enough circulation for our clothes to dry right. Having a 4 year old whom is just learning to sleep without Pull-ups and a 3 year old little boy who finds dirt in the unlikeliest of places, this week has been Hell! If any more goes wrong, I'll be bald.
To make matters go from bad to worse, I can't find my school book needed for an assignment. AHHH!!!! Now I'm pressing on the end of the week and I still have 2 things due in my class. What am I to do? This has just been a really bad week.
Did I mention my dryer has been broken too? Oh I didn't? Well it has! I've had no dryer and it's freezing outside and my house doesn't have good enough circulation for our clothes to dry right. Having a 4 year old whom is just learning to sleep without Pull-ups and a 3 year old little boy who finds dirt in the unlikeliest of places, this week has been Hell! If any more goes wrong, I'll be bald.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Day of the Graded Blog: Scoleciphobia
So this is to be my first graded blog in Writer's Comp II. I haven't previously mentioned this, but I was actually required to start this blog for that class. And now she is grading them! AHH!!
Just kidding! What could be easier than being graded on writing whatever you want? Well, I'm sure it's not whatever, but as long as it's relevant and thought out. :)
This blog will be on: snails. I have a deadly phobia of worms, snails, slugs, and all such evil creatures. I say deadly, because I am not only a danger to myself when confronted with these satanic beings, but also anyone in my way! I really don't know what caused this phobia or why I'm so frightened, but I know I have it. So does my husband.
Now I don't mean for that to sound as menacing as it did. It's just that we bought this second-hand, extremely beautiful aquarium from someone recently... that happened to be harboring snails I didn't want nor need to know about. What would a caring and compassionate husband do when he found these offenders? He would dispose of them and never EVER let his poor wife know that they ever existed.
What did my husband do? He woke me up from a much needed nap with the question: "Did you know we had snails?" Heck, no I didn't know! Otherwise that thing would have been flung out our 3 story window! After I informed him of his blunder, he properly disposed of the vile creatures, but the damage has been done. My stomach is in knots and I will not go near any location that may house the vilians. My plants will wither, the fish will starve, the bathroom will go unclean... All because a husband didn't know when to lie to his wife. What is the world coming to?!?!
*Scoleciphobia-the fear of worms
Just kidding! What could be easier than being graded on writing whatever you want? Well, I'm sure it's not whatever, but as long as it's relevant and thought out. :)
This blog will be on: snails. I have a deadly phobia of worms, snails, slugs, and all such evil creatures. I say deadly, because I am not only a danger to myself when confronted with these satanic beings, but also anyone in my way! I really don't know what caused this phobia or why I'm so frightened, but I know I have it. So does my husband.
Now I don't mean for that to sound as menacing as it did. It's just that we bought this second-hand, extremely beautiful aquarium from someone recently... that happened to be harboring snails I didn't want nor need to know about. What would a caring and compassionate husband do when he found these offenders? He would dispose of them and never EVER let his poor wife know that they ever existed.
What did my husband do? He woke me up from a much needed nap with the question: "Did you know we had snails?" Heck, no I didn't know! Otherwise that thing would have been flung out our 3 story window! After I informed him of his blunder, he properly disposed of the vile creatures, but the damage has been done. My stomach is in knots and I will not go near any location that may house the vilians. My plants will wither, the fish will starve, the bathroom will go unclean... All because a husband didn't know when to lie to his wife. What is the world coming to?!?!
*Scoleciphobia-the fear of worms
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Day of the German Doctor
OK, so I'm not new to going to the doctor. There's something wrong, you're in pain, you go to the doctor. That's fine, unless you've just moved to a new country! I really wish I'd done some cultural research now before going to my pulmonologist appointment!
Background: Somewhere around February 2009, I went to my local ER at Malcolm Grow Medical Center, Andrews AFB, MD for a cold. I knew it was a cold, but I really just needed that proof that I was sick to take back to my employer. The staff was very thorough and did a chest X-ray. A few weeks later, I get a call saying the X-ray was abnormal and I need a CT scan done. A couple of months later, I have a CT done with contrast (a radioactive dye that kicks my butt and makes me sick for days afterward). The test came back inconclusive (meaning they couldn't tell if it was cancer or not), so I was sent to a pulmonologist (lung specialist).
The pulmonologist did some lung resiliency tests but said, due to my age and overall appearance of health, he would not do a lung biopsy. He said it was most likely lung sarcoidosis, but that another CT scan should be performed to make sure there was no growth (which would be an indicator of cancer). He then informed me that if it was cancer I would be too far along for anything to be done and sent me on my way. Needless to say, I was petrified!
Many months later (about 4 months) and a move to Germany brought me to where this blog began: my appointment with a German pulmonologist. I went in there not knowing what to expect, scared, and a little cowed by my surroundings. Those feelings didn't last long. I was still very nervous, but my doctor was extremely pleasant and calmed me as much as he could, considering. That was until... He told me to take off my shirt!
Now I know for many that wouldn't be a big deal. "Sure!" you'd say as the doctor or nurse handed you a sheet and left the room for privacy. No; not the Germans. They stay in the room with you and there is no sheet! LOL My male doctor literally stood like a foot away while I tore my shirt off. Being an American, this was an experience! And, idiot that I am, I had taken my husband who was all but falling on the floor laughing at my mortification!
And to be the jerk that my hubby is, he decided to take the closed umbrella he was holding, place it between his legs, and then hit the button that causes the umbrella to eject. I could have killed him in that moment! Now I was trying not to laugh and take deep breaths as the doctor asked. To make matters worse, I have an extremely fast heart rate. The doctor hearing this puts a hand on his hip and proceeds to say "Am I making you nervous?" As if being asked to strip down and still being stripped down weren't embarrassing enough!!
All in all, a very interesting day. I made appointments to see my doctor again, do another lung resiliency test, and now an EKG. Oh and while pressing on my stomach, the doctor found something he didn't like, so if it is still like that on my next visit... I'll be having a colonoscopy at the ripe old age of 22!
LOL What a day!
Background: Somewhere around February 2009, I went to my local ER at Malcolm Grow Medical Center, Andrews AFB, MD for a cold. I knew it was a cold, but I really just needed that proof that I was sick to take back to my employer. The staff was very thorough and did a chest X-ray. A few weeks later, I get a call saying the X-ray was abnormal and I need a CT scan done. A couple of months later, I have a CT done with contrast (a radioactive dye that kicks my butt and makes me sick for days afterward). The test came back inconclusive (meaning they couldn't tell if it was cancer or not), so I was sent to a pulmonologist (lung specialist).
The pulmonologist did some lung resiliency tests but said, due to my age and overall appearance of health, he would not do a lung biopsy. He said it was most likely lung sarcoidosis, but that another CT scan should be performed to make sure there was no growth (which would be an indicator of cancer). He then informed me that if it was cancer I would be too far along for anything to be done and sent me on my way. Needless to say, I was petrified!
Many months later (about 4 months) and a move to Germany brought me to where this blog began: my appointment with a German pulmonologist. I went in there not knowing what to expect, scared, and a little cowed by my surroundings. Those feelings didn't last long. I was still very nervous, but my doctor was extremely pleasant and calmed me as much as he could, considering. That was until... He told me to take off my shirt!
Now I know for many that wouldn't be a big deal. "Sure!" you'd say as the doctor or nurse handed you a sheet and left the room for privacy. No; not the Germans. They stay in the room with you and there is no sheet! LOL My male doctor literally stood like a foot away while I tore my shirt off. Being an American, this was an experience! And, idiot that I am, I had taken my husband who was all but falling on the floor laughing at my mortification!
And to be the jerk that my hubby is, he decided to take the closed umbrella he was holding, place it between his legs, and then hit the button that causes the umbrella to eject. I could have killed him in that moment! Now I was trying not to laugh and take deep breaths as the doctor asked. To make matters worse, I have an extremely fast heart rate. The doctor hearing this puts a hand on his hip and proceeds to say "Am I making you nervous?" As if being asked to strip down and still being stripped down weren't embarrassing enough!!
All in all, a very interesting day. I made appointments to see my doctor again, do another lung resiliency test, and now an EKG. Oh and while pressing on my stomach, the doctor found something he didn't like, so if it is still like that on my next visit... I'll be having a colonoscopy at the ripe old age of 22!
LOL What a day!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
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